i'm sorry about being so elusive lately. school has been crazy and work has filled my weekends, but i'm off tomorrow and saturday, so i'm happy.

i'm thinking about getting a new journal. everything would pretty much be the same, i just kind of want a fresh start. a new year, a new journal. i don't know...we'll see how my new username brainstorming goes:)

so i've decided to stay here in pittsburgh...as hard as it will be for me not see my mother everyday, it'd be difficult for her to find an affordable house in a good school district to allow me to finish my last two years of high school. i've been telling myself that i'm just getting a head-start on the separation i'll be facing when i go off to college.

my classes at school are going pretty well...i have photography 1st period and love it. algebra is meh, but what math class isn't. i really, really enjoy my english ap class. my teacher, mr. kirk, is extremely witty and intelligent. i feel like i'm finally in an english class that's going to be a challenge. all the rest of the kids in the class are as passionate about it as i am and that's so refreshing.

i'm eligible to get my license on the 31st of this month, and i couldn't be any more excited. but my availability to a car is still a big question mark. if my mom leaves with her car, that only leaves my dad's absolutely ginormous ford expedition which a.) i don't know how often he'd be willing to let me take it out and more importantly b.) i don't want to be driving too often in fear of causing 12 car crashes each time i'm on the road.

but hopefully things will work themselves out...i'm just taking one day at a time right now.

so i came home from school, relaxed a little, and then started on my homework. the phone rang. it was my mom. she asked me how my day was and i said it was fine. she told me she had class tonight and that she would be home around 8:30. she also told me she was offered the job she had just interviewed for at the university of pennslyvania.

now this job is her dream job, so she pretty much told them yes right off the bat. the only thing that needs to be negotiated is her salary.

i just got done having this long, tear-filled talk with my parents about the possibility of going with my mom to philadelphia. as cheesy as it sounds, my mom and i are quite close. only being to see her two weekends every month would be hard for me. as much i love pittsburgh for being my hometown, it's not the most cultured, opportunity-laced town. philadelphia has a certain appeal to me. that being said, i would absolutely hate to leave all of my friends. i've made many over the years that i really, really cherish and i would hate to be 7 hours away from them all.

so my decisions are laid out in front of me...i either stay here in pittsburgh with my dad or i go to philly with my mom. i'm so torn.

i would really appreciate some help or advice in this situation. any comments or suggestions are welcome.

thanks everyone<3

school.

the first day was pretty bad. it started off just fine...i had a bunch of reunions with people i hadn't seen since june. my classes were alright. my english ap teacher mr. kirk seems like a really great guy and is extremely witty. my lunch had barely anyone in it. i had work scheduled after school, but after looking at my agenda, i had so much homework. i called up and told my manager i wasn't going to be able to make it. i felt horrible doing so, but he seemed to understand. but my dad, on the other hand, got upset and he said he "wouldn't be surprised if they fire you for this." HA. he obviously has no idea how completely lax t.j. maxx is. i know some people who haven't showed up for work in the past and didn't get fired. him and i then went to chilis to eat dinner. suddenly, this random wave of sadness came over me and i had to excuse myself to the bathroom and calm down.

but today was much better. my best friend christina is in my lunch every tuesday and thursday, so we sat and talked together. this cute boy talked to me on my bus, so that brightened my day:)

molly is coming to visit this weekend. i think she'll be sleeping at my house one of the days she'll be here. i'm really excited to see her again.

random ramble about my new music discoveries

+i downloaded cross by justice the other day and can't stop listening to it.
key tracks: phantom, tthhee ppaarrttyy, waters of nazareth, genesis, valentine

+i also downloaded so jealous by tegan and sara and it's just reinforced my love for them.
key tracks: you wouldn't like me, where did the good go, speak slow, walking with the ghost, take me anywhere, i won't be left

the day after tomorrow, i go back to school. this summer has been insane/emotional/by far the best i've ever had. i really don't want it to end. especially going into my junior year, which is filled with so much pressure to do well.

last night was my friend nicki's birthday party. it was a lot of fun...i saw some people who i hadn't seen since school let out and i danced my ass off. my friend natalie drove me home and i nearly collapsed getting out of the car, i was so tired.

today and tomorrow are going to filled with shopping and reading (which should have been done months ago.) i also have work tomorrow from 11-4, which i'm none too happy about, but it's money, so i'll suck it up.

i'm realizing how bitchy and moody i'm sounding as i'm reading over this, but i'm fine. it's just the culmination of everything that's making me this way.

me: (toggles through "black holes and revelations" in car cd player and rests upon the track "knights of cydonia.") gah, i love this song so much.

mom: mhm.

me: commmmme ride with me through the veins of historeeee...

me: NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE ME ALIVVVVE. THE TIME HAS COME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHHHHT.

me: (blasts epic, face-melting guitar solo and proceeds to thrash about whilst playing air guitar. continues for the remainder of the recording.)

mom: you looked like you were having a seizure.

I ♥ MYOOZE MOMENTS.

i've been feeling really good about life lately. everything seems to be coming together.

i saw my dear friend ibby today whom i hadn't talked to all summer. we caught up over lunch with each other and talked about all that's happened in the past 3 months. we both couldn't grasp that we'll be going back to school within two weeks.

i'm really apprehensive/excited for this year. i don't want to go back to school, but i obviously have no choice in the matter, so i might as well try to be as positive as i can about it. i'm ready to actually work hard and do well. this year is the most important in terms of solidifying getting into college and securing most of my future. but that thought makes me want to scream. we as americans put getting into a good college on such a pedestal, it makes me sick. kids slave over sats books and spend night after night cramming information into their heads for some random test that is supposed to show how much you've learned and how well you've learned it. i think it's bullshit. i wish i could just move to england, take a gap year to find myself, and go to some small, low-key university.

the future is such a daunting thing. but in the words of the wise abraham lincoln:
“the best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”

my friend natalie and i threw molly the surprise going-away party yesterday and it turned out perfectly. a bunch of people came and she had no idea it was coming.

but i wake up this morning to a hysterical phone call from molly telling me she's leaving (moving to cleveland) today instead of the scheduled wednesday.

so she picked me up and we went to her complex's pool. i knew it was going to be hard to see her off, but it was just so sad to spend all day with her and then realize this is the last time we'll be in this position and she'll have a home in pittsburgh.

when i was picked up to go to a family dinner (my brother is going back to college in florida tomorrow), we hugged and cried and told each other to call every week, if not more.

this summer has made me realized how quickly things change. feelings, places, people...everything evolves and grows and the majority of time, it happens much too rapidly.

as sad as i am about molly's departure, there have been a few things to cheer me up. first, i'm going to get a new phone tomorrow at the verizon store. i really want the lg env, but i'll have to pay full price, which i'm not totally sure what it'll be. here's hoping it's only about $200 so i can split the cost with my mom.

and these pictures taken by this one photographer of muse are so for the win. a lot of them are new, so i'm on a muse-graphic-making binge right now.

i'll post the results of my cell phone hunt tomorrow:)

my mom and i just had the biggest fight we've ever had about 2 hours ago.

she was on my case about how my hair, yes my fucking hair, didn't look good as i was driving to have breakfast with my friend christina and was just being a mean person in general. one thing lead to another and next thing you know we were pulled over and physically fighting. she threw my cell phone on the pavement and kicked me out of the car. keep in mind my cell phone is already a piece of shit, but now it has scratches and dents all over (including the screen.)

talking to/speading time with christina helped a lot and got my mind off of it for awhile, but now i'm back home and we're not speaking to one another. my dad says we'll "talk" about getting me a new cell phone.

what.

the.

fuck.

UPDATE: my mom and i just talked and said what was on our minds. she told me i need to talk to her more respectfully and i said she needs to respect people possessions and manage her anger better. we're good now and she said we'll go to the phone store on tuesday.

that last entry.

i talked to a bunch of my friends and realized that life is too short to have petty things slow you down.

i'm fucking 16.

bring it on, baby.

i've realized that i kind of let people walk all over me.

i'm a really social person and love interacting with people, but i'm not going to be the one who's always putting forth all the effort to make a relationship of any kind work.

people are people and people are always busy, but at least check in with a person and tell them what's going on.

i just don't know anymore.

i sit here, ipod next to me, on my brother's laptop and supermassive black hole comes on.

what is my first thought when listening to one of my favorite muse songs?

"these lyrics are so fucking epic."

so without further ado, may a present, natalie's list of overly epic muse lyrics:

(DISCLAIMER: this is to be taken in jest. i absolutely adore muse and they're ability to write such forward-thinking, intelligent lyrics are one of the big reasons they're so ginormous/insanely talented/loved by me:D)

SONG: supermassive black hole (from the album black holes and revelations)

glaciers melting in the dead of night and the superstar's sucked in the supermassive...

global warming anyone? i mean, bellamy, come on. do you really think a woman could be bothered by your scientific space-exploration lyrics? everyone one knows women are meant to be in the kitchen, not on the moon, lolz.

SONG: futurism (from the album dead star ep)

grounded
boxed in
like the evil in your veins
grounded
boxed in
i am stuck with you...

matt, i highly doubt you're that stuck. dump her ass. send her a "it's not you, it's me" note. get it over with, you pansy.

SONG: apocalypse please (from the album absolution)

and it's time we saw a miracle
come on it's time for something biblical
to pull us through
and pull us through

and this is the end
the end
this is the end
of the world...

geeze, guys. calm down. and it's time for something biblical!? wtfh, i thought you all didn't believe in ~*~god~*~!? damn hypocrites, all of you.

SONG: hysteria (from the album absolution)

'cause i want it now
i want it now
give me your heart and your soul
i'm not breaking down
i'm breaking out
last chance to lose control

and i want you now
i want you now
i'll feel my heart implode
i'm breaking out
escaping now
feeling my faith erode...

that is all.